The Lipster

You know what they say: twice is a coincidence, three times is a TREND, and that is why, my friends, with the confirmation that Ipso Facto (left) are currently touring London, we can safely confirm that the coiffure du jour is (fanfare)… “the mushroom”.

Yes. The mushroom. It’s like, the bowl cut reworked for 2008, yeah? It’s a bit like the Purdey but it’s shorter, yagetme? If you like you can call it a PDDNG BSN or something hip and vowel-free like that. We know that the mushroom is the coolest cut since the Agyneyyyss Deyn bleached out plaster-crop because it has just appeared on fancy fashion industry trend predicting site WGSN.com (you can’t look at it, you’re not posh, it’s subscriber only).

The WGSN trend-sleuths rightly point out the ’shroom’s roots (stalk?) lie in clubkid land – just have a quick squiz on DirtyDirtyDancing and it is on every second 19 year old with glitter dripping out of their eyes – and they also helpfully explain precisely what makes the mushroom different to the bowl. Here, for your elucidation, is that explanation:

“In its basic form, several inches in length on top gives way to closely cropped hair below the 'bowl line' – with an occasional hint of undercut – and no blend between the two lengths. The dipped mushroom variation sees the back of the cut follow the curves down below the ears.”

Quite.

As women who like music as well as hair, and also lists, we couldn’t help but make this one charting the origins of the fungus-inspired crop; hair-heroes that rocked the mushroom before it found its way onto the heads of today’s misspent youth, before it was cool, and, ffs, before they even knew what it was. To these primary adopters, we say “FUNGUS FOR THE MEMORIES”. (Couldn’t help it – just at the end there).

5. Mo of the Three Stooges

At the beginning, there was comedy. And with comedy, came the realisation that ceramic hair straighteners were yet to be invented.

Shroom verdict: Severe

4. The Beatles

They shook them, they wobbled their heads, their hair stayed in place no matter how many teenage girls tried to rip their cocks off as souvenirs.

Shroom verdict: Fluffy

3. Purdey

No matter how many cute, cuddly lady-sized pistols she pulled, NOTHING could avenge the time spent curling her ends under.

Shroom verdict: Luxuriant

2. Bjork

Let the shroom run free, and your mind runs free and you make up some crazy lyrics that don’t make sense but sound way good. Blaaaaaarrrrrt! I just punched you!

Shroom verdict: Lengthy

Yes, you can be punk and work a precision crop. Let that be a lesson to you. PS. Karen, if you are out there, We Need To Talk About The Glove.

Shroom verdict: Freestyle