From the archive
February 11th, 2008 14:29

Stuff values, get hitched quick

By Anne-Marie Payne

Causing a ruckus in the feminist blogosphere today we have…Lori Gottleib's piece for The Atlantic magazine which advises unmarried women approaching 30 to just STFU and marry the first man who'll have them. Jessica Valenti responds with a picture (above left) showing just how much “panic, occasionally coupled with desperation” she feels at the prospect of hitting 30 and finding herself unmarried over on Feministing, while Andi Zeisler at Bitch Magazine points out the flaws in using a combination of fictional characters such as Carrie Bradshaw and Rachel from Friends plus a raft of misogynistic self-help books to back up your argument.

That being said, Gottleib has at least tried the non-traditional route, spawning a child via sperm donor in what she describes as “a fit of self-empowerment”. Reading between the lines, Gottleib's advice to just settle as soon as possible, while your “marital value” is still high, seems to be less about the fear of dying alone being eaten by Alsations and more a cry for some goddamn help around the house. She envisages settling as getting someone to help you “run a household”, a “team-mate”, saying that “marriage isn't a passion-fest: it's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business”. She wants “someone to play with the kids for 20 minutes so the wives can eat lunch”; someone to “take out the trash, set up the baby gear” and “provide a second income so you don't have to work 60 hours a week to support a family on your own”.

It's a pity that Gottlieb sees the nuclear, heterosexual family as the only unit capable of providing this kind of support. This article could be a starting point for a rallying cry demanding reasonable parental leave, easily available childcare (as seen in Sweden) adapted to the needs of working parents, and an exploration of non-traditional family units such as the Boston Marriage, extended families or other non-nuclear family options - all of which would provide the kind of help the author seems to crave.

Instead it exhorts women to forget passion or intense connection, to “overlook halitosis and bad aesthetics”, and “ignore his annoying habit of yelling 'Bravo' in movie theatres”, or face a life of solitude and drudgery. Come on Gottleib! It's the 21st century, and these are not the only options.


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Susanna Forrest 11 Feb at 02:46 PM
I love Jessica V!

But um, yeah. This ""marital value"" thing – how does one calculate it?

Ability to fill in tax forms, run a household within budget, replace a fan belt, construct IKEA furniture, to argue without demanding half the house and full custody of the kids?

Alex 12 Feb at 10:05 AM
Boston Marriages?

Good article - kudos for reviving one of my favourite euphemisms for lesbianism, and suggesting a great way of pitching my civil partnership to the grandparents.

But, er, I think you seem to be saying the Boston Marriage is about two girls who are best mates shacking up - but didn't most of them (e.g. Miss Emily Dickinson and her lady friend) involve some fairly romantic feelings, if not always actual shenanigans? Don't most ladies nowadays with romantic feelings towards another lady tend, rather than forming a 'romantic friendship', to just come out instead? Or am I just not hip to the times?

13 Feb at 01:52 AM
boston marriage

I think it was never quite clear whether 'Boston Marriages' involved lesbianism or not. Certainly now, yeah, real lesbians would just get on with being lesbians... but I think some people are exploring different modes of living together now (such as the author of this article for Ms Magazine: http://www.msmagazine.com/june01/marriage.html) - two girls living together in "a friendship nurtured with all the care that we usually squander on our mates — a friendship as it could be if we made it the center of our lives." My best friend and I actually did this, and now we call each other 'wives' to reflect our committed status, even though there's no actual hott lesbian action between us (well, only a little bit, but that's over now as we're both fundamentally straight!) I'd like to think that people are starting to explore different, non-traditional modes of committed living arrangements, and I'm perfectly happy to repurpose 'Boston Marriage' until a better description comes along!

Natalie Boxall 29 Mar at 09:37 PM
why oh why oh why

ive just seen this via amp's flickr..i am so slow..anyways, this sort of thing is so irritating, and the worst things is that although men are guilty of enwuiring about this, it seems to be something that a certain kind of woman likes to torture their (happily) single/unmarried/lesbian/celibate mates/colleagues/strangers in the street with.

Tsch! If she wants to use pop culture to back her argument, here's my suggestion to her. Go listen to 'Express Yourself' by Madonna. Listen to the lyrics.. Take them in and take them on.