LIKES THE REMIX BETTER

We all know Valentine's Day is an over-commercialised, heterosexist piece of crap, but what girl doesn't want to give her sweetie a hand-crafted lovenote on v-day? (You don't? Ah. The 'back' button is up there, top left corner, 'k?) For those of us whose hardy exteriors belie a centre of melting caramel, here are our top 10 alternative v-day crafts to make, do or buy before Thursday comes round...

1. Eat your heart out with these anatomical heart cupcakes that BLEED jam from Yumsugar.

2. This black felt heart with silver veins from Etsy seller Batteriesnotincluded may be all sold out, but look how pretty it is! Pre-order for next year?

3.These free printable candy bar wrappers from Creature Comforts transform a mundane shop-bought chocolate bar into something o-so-special.

4. You have to love an Etsy seller with a section called Uterus Miscellany. Cuddly cartoon uterus..es…. (uterii?) are silkscreened onto underpants, cushion covers and tote bags. Because giving someone your heart is one thing, but giving them your womb? Now that's devotion.

5. Knitted fags in knitted packets with heart decoration! OK, maybe these won't be finished by Thursday… next year?

6. Be mine Valentine: printable Valentines from Inside A Black Apple. Download the PDF and print on white cardstock! Go on!

7. Doilys are awesome! They're a forgotten relic from a distant past but you can still get them in Waitrose, wrap 'em round a piece of pink or red card and convince some silly sweetheart that you're all theirs, Martha Stewart stylee.

8. The anatomical heart thing is pretty big this year, so you could go with the flow with this massive red or black anatomical heart necklace, or buck the trend with a huge, super-gorgeous, super-creepy molar or ribcage, from Manchester-based Etsy seller Paraphernalia.

9. Or how about a beautiful 20s style cloche hat for the hair-bobbed beauty in your life… featuring a lovely anatomical heart? Try the Cardio Cloche from Giantdwarf on Etsy.

10. Or just got dumped? Identifying as asexual? Given up on love? Celibate? Just sick of it all? Time to cleanse the palate with a little subversive cross-stitch.