The Lipster

With apologies to Catherine… where will the sex be in my new Doctor Who? The lingering glances and subtle flirting between Doctor and assistant, suggesting a deep sexual longing accompanied by the knowledge that although they have shared life altering moments together, they can never actually be together because he will live forever and she will die lonely back on the Earth she helped to save, unable to engage with normal people again after having travelled the universe... That type of thing. I just don’t want Catherine Tate to have any of that with lovely tall, skinny, quirky, Converse-wearing David Tennant (although I reserve the right to revel in her post-adventure gloom). It’s just all wrong.

So while I disapprove of Catherine, it’s time to meet some of the other assistants and remind yourselves of the previous levels of brilliance.

The five best assistants

1. Ace - played by Sophie Aldred (1987 – 1989)

As a 10 year old, I’d have based my entire wardrobe on Ace if I had been allowed and she was the reason I always wanted a French plait for parties. Ace loved home made explosives like a lady MacGyver and, as clever as all the previous girls had been, she was the first not to hide quaking behind the Doctor when monsters turned up. In fact, she was instrumental in kicking their arses. Ace indeed.

2. Rose Tyler – played by Billie Piper (2005 – 2006)

Plucked from her everyday existence after Christopher Eccleston’s Doctor saved her from a shopful of mannequins who had come to life, Billie and Christopher kept it real in a regional accent kind of way. Rose was a proper cock-er-nee and he was the first of the Salford-reared timelords, presumably. Crucially, Rose Tyler converted us all back into Billie lovers in the aftermath of her strange Chris Evans phase. I miss Rose.

3. Sarah Jane – played by Elisabeth Sladen (1973 – 1976)

Sassy old Sarah Jane, now the star of her own CBBC series, is the most regular winner of ‘best assistant’ votes. As much as this has to do with most voters being obsessive 40-year-old blokes whose sexual awakenings she was responsible for, she did some sterling work spreading feminism around the galaxy and generally being a bit more down-to-earth than her screamy predecessors. The Doctor still has a bit of a thing for her too after all these years, giving her gifts of new K9s every time he sees her, thus ensuring her inconspicuous return to the normal world each time with a massive robotic dog.

4. Zoe – played by Wendy Padbury (1968 – 1969)

The first ludicrously intelligent assistant, Zoe was always properly clad for 60s-style space travel in Barbarella-meets-Star-Trek catsuits. Supposedly a product of the education system of the future, Zoe was a brilliant astrophysicist although still in her teens. She stowed away aboard the Tardis after the Doctor and his other assistant Jamie, overcome by meeting hot totty, were a bit loose-lipped with her about their space adventures. Naughty boys.

5. Nyssa – played by Sarah Sutton (1980 – 1983)

The Master killed her father, took over his body and then destroyed her planet, which was all rather inconvenient. A lesser person would have turned to gin and fags. Nyssa was inexplicably skilled in bioelectronics, all of which geekery made her a bit quiet but in a sexy way. Plus, she had a good look going on… Johnny Borrell was taking style notes from his pram. This is what his hair would look like if he could get the required four-pack of Elnett past venues’ health and safety people.

And five who didn’t make the grade…

1. K9 (1977 – 1981)

Harshly excluded from the Top Five for not being human or female, K9 was the real hero of the Tom Baker era. The original dogbot. With flamethrower.

2. Captain Jack Harkness – played by John Barrowman (2005)

You just know the bluetooth headsets were Barrowman’s idea. He’s not allowed on the best assistant list. As if he needs his ego massaging any more than his own spin-off series and the responsibility of picking the entire casts of all future Andrew Lloyd Webber West End musicals ever on BBC1 primetime. Eesh.

3. Steven Taylor – played by Peter Purves (1965 – 1966)

Polo Neck Purves was a ladykiller in pre-Blue Peter guise. A man intimately familiar with his own reflection, I imagine. Having said that, I look forward to the return of this type of hairdo.

4. Mel Bush – played by Bonnie Langford (1986 – 1987)

The unfortunately named assistant with hair to match from the equally unfortunately named Pease Pottage. A massive bossy boots, she constantly tried to make the Doctor diet and drink carrot juice. Fortunately she proved so irritating that the Doctor threw her into the beam of a Dalek’s death ray. Oh all right, I made that up.

5. I’m pessimistically saving this for you, Catherine. Nobody wants another Martha… Freema Agyeman’s character was so bland that nobody could even muster the energy to have an opinion about her, let alone add her to any lists. Let that be a lesson to you. Are you bothered? I know I am.