The Lipster

The weekly mag report turns gong-crazy this week, as we've decided to give even more virtual prizes to the seven-day glossies. They're not all nice, either, you vile, vile rags. Prepare the trumpet fanfare and find out here what's great and what's grim...

Our ceremonial Lipster pot-kettle-black teasmade goes to...LOOK For "reporting" from its "sources" about the marital troubles of Mr and Mrs Winehouse. "Blake told Amy she has to make significant changes to her life" it says preachily, endorsing the gibber of a gimlet-eyed man with a bad taste of hats who is ON REMAND IN PRISON. Tsk tsk.

Our "help, my eyes!" blindfold goes to...HEAT For showing us Paris Hilton's bunions. Ugggh.

Our "Leave Adele Alone" jabby stick goes to...LOOK and NOW Have it on a timeshare, swines. Look gets it for "I Love My Body Apart From My Gut" and Now for "It's not hard to lose weight but I don't want to" – both headlines plucked out of much more interesting interviews with a woman who can sing, is funny, and has much more to talk about than about her dress size.

Our bizarre beauty treatment wet flannel goes to...MORE For informing us of the "boob facial". Their treatment receiver, Issy Sampson, reports: "It's bit weird. You know, the whole getting your boobs out for a stranger bit."

Our Oxfam £10 voucher goes to...LOOK For faking an orgasm over a vintage-style gold bag and gushing: "Thank you Monsoon for saving us charity shop trawling!" What, and miss out on those Wombles egg cups, Paul Young albums and Diana Ross paperback biogs? Never!

Our gold-plated envelope-opener goes to...HEAT For a great letters page that begins with a reader comparing The Apprentice's nasty Jenny to Bruce Forsyth and Raef to a bowl.

Our "be my new best friend bottle of Cava" bottle of Cava goes to...CLOSER Or actually not to Closer as they are generally heinous, but to Rooney-loving columnist Coleen McLoughlin for flagging up a size 16 contestant that's made it to the finals of Miss England. Not that we approve of beauty contests per se, yada yada, but it's nice to see someone shake them up. Or as Coleen says: "Good on her for getting up there and showing them off!"

Our 32-volume Oxford English Dictionary goes to...GRAZIA For inventing the word "Primbo" (trans: Carla Bruni-lookalikes with a fancy for Mona Lisa brown hair, cashmere and flat shoes) and the term "Arm Indie" (for the male halves of the Kate Moss/Jamie Hince, Alexa Chung/Alex Turner twosomes).

Our "stop it now" Taser Treatment weekend goes to...CLOSER For still persisting with the horrible, horrible crying girls motif on their front covers. Lily is "distraught at being alone again", Sarah Harding is "sobbing and scared of the future", Renee Zellweger's "pals fear she won't find love" – which is odd, when we've seen pictures of all these ladies recently falling out of clubs looking more than happy.

And, last but not least, the Pat Butcher-approved "grab you by the shoulders and shake sense into you" course goes to...NOW "While other female artists such as Duffy and Adele, have exploded onto the UK music scene, Lily's star has faded", Now whines. THAT'S BECAUSE SHE HASN'T RELEASED A SINGLE FOR OVER A YEAR, IDIOT PEOPLE. Do you see? DO YOU SEE?