The Lipster

There are wrong things and wrong things. Processed cheese slices and Later With Jools on a Tuesday instead of a Friday are wrong. But the long tradition of total disrespect for animals as a means of being a bit rock & roll? Now that's wrong.

Back in the 1960s, this could be achieved by simply throwing a mink coat or casual stoat over the shoulder for that glamorous-slash-evil Cruella De Vil look. Since fur became a definite no-no, celebrities have had to be a bit more creative, as Mark E Smith recently proved. But he’s just the latest in a long line of offenders...

Mark E Smith and the squirrels (Uncut, April 2008)

It’s hard not to crack a smile at revelations that The Fall’s Mark E Smith kills squirrels in his back garden because, and I quote, “they mean nothing to me”. Oh Vienna. His outlandish claims have resulted in him being investigated by the RSPCA because killing lovely fluffy squirrels is no joke and I would never advocate it. I would however advocate conjuring up the image of Mark E Smith in his garden, armed with hedge clippers, f-ing and blinding at the squirrels, which were allegedly, “eating” his fence.

Pete Doherty’s crack kitty (The Sun, Sept 2007)

Come on now, don’t judge. We’ve all been there. Oooh the goldfish is looking a bit under the weather, I might just pop a really little bit of paracetamol in his bowl. What’s the worst that can happen? Oh dear, the dog doesn’t look like he’s enjoying the party very much. I wonder if he might like some of my lager. Pete LOVED his skagpuss… so when the Whiskas cupboard was bare, he manufactured a special tiny crack pipe and (allegedly) got it off its tits instead. Like a modern day Mother Hubbard, only kinder.

Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster (The Sun, March 1986)

The Sun carried this allegation by Lea La Salle with the fabulous follow-up, “Comic put a live pet in sandwich, says beauty”. According to said beauty, Freddie had returned to her home after a gig announcing that he was hungry and when she refused to make him a sandwich, he popped her hamster Supersonic between two slices of bread and tucked in. Max Clifford later admitted to inventing the whole thing but it’s fair to say it was the highest point in Freddie’s career since his Brian Epstein-promoted band The Midniters supported The Beatles in 1962 (fact).

Ozzy and the bat (Jan 1982)

Ye olde tale of Ozzy biting the head off that bat during a Black Sabbath gig has become the stuff of legend and will be passed down from generation to generation by way of a cautionary anti-drugs tale. His penance for this ungodly act is to have a pack of marginally larger furry beasts circling his feet constantly as he stumbles around Chez Osbourne in his new guise as an animal lover. While Ozzy has since said that the bat incident was a mistake, biting the head off a dove in 1981 at a meeting with record executives was apparently intentional, although he had, “been drinking”.

Those Richard Gere gerbil rumours (a timeless classic)

Whether Richard Gere did in fact turn up to the Cedars-Sinai hospital in California with a gerbil wedged in his rectum is not the point. The point is that a lot of people had a lot fun with it. The people who spread the rumours (one of whom may have been Sylvester Stallone who Richard had publicly accused of sleeping with his then wife Cindy Crawford), the staff at the hospital who are probably still dining out on it… Whether we can add Richard to this list will probably never be known to anyone but himself. And possibly one other person. Unless he’s quite flexible.

So who’s going to top Mark and the squirrels? Britney pulling the legs off beetles in game of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not? Bruce Forsyth using the gap between bunny rabbit’s ears instead of golf tee? Place your bets…