GOOD AT MUSIC, RUBBISH AT PHOTOSHOP

Hello, I’m Grace Jones*. No doubt you’re all very excited about this summer’s festivals, aren’t you? Especially now you've heard that I'll be headlining Secret Garden in July. Well, there’s no point in doing anything unless you do it properly, so I’m here to help you enhance your festival experience.

What to pack

Nothing. It’s as simple as that. I never know what I need until I wake up and feel that I need it and then I have one of my people fetch it. Often this can take a long time but I can always doze off again, safe in the knowledge that I shall fire them or punch them on their return. The only must-have item might be one of my head cages (pictured), which double as baskets anyway.

Travel

Firstly, sticking to a timetable is for idiots. People don’t care when you turn up as long as you get there. I have turned up for gigs six hours late before and there have still been audiences. Plus, the people who operate scheduled services are often morons. I once had a fight with a pilot because he wouldn’t let me take some tapes onto the plane and was forced to lie in the runway until the problem was resolved. In the end we chartered a private plane… things are so much simpler when they’re on your terms, darlings.

Parking

Pull up to the bumper, baby.

Accommodation

I have seen tents but obviously never slept in one. The problem with campsites is that they are noisy and I can be such a pain when I’m tired. If I were to be woken in any other way than being tickled awake gently with a peacock feather, at any time before noon, people would feel the sharp edge of my tongue. And probably my fist.

Attire

I’ve seen what some of you people wear to festivals and frankly I won’t abide it. Nobody wears wellies and a pack-a-mac on my watch. The thing about clothes is this… some days it’s important to wear them. Other days it isn’t. I went to a party wearing only a cape once and the prime minister turned up just as I was showing a couple of gentlemen what was under the cape. Several times I have performed wearing just a skirt and people have made an unnecessary amount of fuss about my breasts. I used to enjoy my trademark hood until some bitch stole my trademark hood for a video of hers and now I won’t touch them. Wear whatever your spirit tells you to, as long as you wear heels and sunglasses with it. Or a sort of scoopy hat, like the one that I wore when I sang with Pavarotti:

Cuisine

I’ve seen the food they serve at some of these places and I wouldn’t touch it. My high school report said that I was “socially sick’” but I would have been physically sick as well if they had forced me to eat greasy noodles from a polystyrene tray. Eating is largely unnecessary anyway. I shared a flat with Jerry Hall for a while and we never had any food, just champagne. At least with champagne, when the bottles are empty, I have something to throw at the audience. Sandwich cartons are too soft.

Crowd behaviour

Now, I’m lucky…people tend not to get too close to me for fear of gashing themselves on my marvellous cheekbones but you soft-faced people are probably not so lucky. You WILL have to brush up against other people at a festival. I couldn’t have it myself but there you are. As for how you will behave in my audience… you will listen to me. If I see you looking at any of your little unwashed friends instead of me, I will jump at you stilettos first. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. You may have heard that Russell Harty turned his back on me to interview someone else when I was on his chat show, so I beat him up. The same will happen to you. And if I want you to dance on stage, climb up. I don’t want to have to drag you up there by your hair like I did last time I encountered resistance. Just don’t expect a long set. Sometimes I only sing two songs if I’m in a mood but I’m Grace Jones so if you don’t like it, you can fuck off.

*As channelled through Lissa Blomley