The Lipster

The OTT Reaction To A Reality Show Baddie Award goes to... HEAT, for sticking snouty little Apprentice witch Claire's head on a shooting range target. Despising her is one thing, popping a cap in her ass in quite another.

The No Point Waiting Til The Corpse Is Cold Award goes to... NOW, for its really quite shockingly insensitive Mark Speight ("dominant and physically imposing") coverage. Nice.

The My Lunch Tasted Nicer Going Down Than Coming Up Award goes to... HEAT, for their eight pages of "Stars With Bad Skin". I can't even say the word "spot" without retching (blergh) so a whole eight pages of zit action - look! celebs without concealer! - is far too nauseating to contemplate.

The My Eyes Award goes to... CLOSER, for putting alfalfa-cist Gillian McKeith in a PVC dominatrix outfit with pull quote, "I feel so naughty all dressed up with my whip". That's me scarred for the next 25 years. Cheers.

The Tenuous Link To Current Affairs Award goes to... GRAZIA, for their "What credit crunch?" story, which reveals exactly how much money mega-celebs like Madonna have got. Because she's really going to be counting the pennies when the price of butter shoots up.

The Headlines-As-Friendly-Advice Award goes to... MORE. Amy Winehouse downs a shot while holding onto an ickle baby: "Er, Amy, what are you doing?" Sarah Harding cries into her phone: "Need a big hug, Sarah?" You're lovely, More. Unlike good old misery fest Closer...

The Are You Fucking Serious Award goes to... CLOSER, for its particularly apocalyptic coverline, WORN OUT BY FEAR.

The Cor, 'Ark At You Award goes to... HEAT, who undo the spot (blergh) damage with an in-depth report into the dodgy world of airbrushing in magazines (they can do that, see, because they don't dip into the virtual paintpot).

The Same Shoot, Different Picture Award goes to... LOOK, for running a shot Amy Winehouse holding an ickle baby (sound familiar?) under the headline "Amy Wants To Be A Mum!" Yes, that's the same baby she was toasting with a shot in More. Some people are just too maternal.

The We Earn Much Less Than You Do, And Thanks For Rubbing It In Award goes to... GRAZIA, for their "Get these before we do!" feature, in which Grazia staffers reveal their new season staples. A £2000 Gucci bag, Editor-In-Chief? A £750 Asprey blouse, Style Director? Somebody point us in the direction of their careers, please.