The It's Bloody Raining And Cold So You Can Stick Your Oh-So-Original Bikini Body Special (And Pass The Cake) Award goes to... EVERY MAGAZINE. Seriously. Bikini body off. However, Look gets a free pass for featuring the actually quite flattering 50s-style swimsuits in its swimwear round-up. Lovely.

The Really? Award goes to... NOW, for its weird fancies spread. Gordon Ramsay, Johnny Vegas and James Corden we can just about understand. But Richard Madeley? Ewwwww.

The Step Away From My 80s Madonna Award goes to... GRAZIA. OK, so their list of Madonna's worst outfits includes her awful Frozen-era henna-gone-wild and her trackies-and-Pringle-jumper blah-fest, but we'll have no dissing of the Like A Virgin bow-in-hair or her Gaultier tits-out bodice. Even if it is coming from Madge herself.

Headline Of The Week #1... LOOK's 'We've All Been Maimed At Nail Bars'

The Wildly Inappropriate, Kick Em While They're Down Award goes to... NOW , who compound Cameron Diaz's grief over her father's recent death by suggesting that "her life is empty". Not learnt anything from the Mark Speight story last week, have you, Now?

The It's Not Right (But It's OK) Award goes to... HEAT, for publishing a picture of a dog weeing on Natalie Portman.

The We Despair At The State Of Humanity Award goes to... GRAZIA , for its piece on "Harry-Hunters" - super-rich semi-stalkers who hang around Boujis hoping to bag themselves a prince. "It's like a new sport for the richest, most blue-blooded girls in the land." Retch.

The Have We Been Transported To An Alternate Reality Award goes to... CLOSER, for printing an actual picture of an actual female celebrity actually smiling. SMILING! She'll start liking herself if you go on like that, Closer.

Headline Of The Week #2... NOW's 'Take That Caused My Alien Obsession'

The Make Up Your Mind, We're Getting Dizzy Award goes to... CLOSER, for stamping "BODY WATCH" on Cheryl Cole's "tiny size 6" frame, while splashing "LOVE YOUR BODY!" all over their diet pages. WE ARE CONFUSED.

The Credit Where It's Due Award goes to... HEAT, for printing two whole pages dedicated to Nick And Margaret from The Apprentice. Approved.

Headline Of The Week #3... NOW's 'I had a baby by courier'

The We Totally Get Where You're Coming From Award goes to... MORE, for admitting that "we now have the same taste in TV as our mums". And How To Look Good Naked is on tonight...