The Lipster

Despite the rumours that roughly 12 people turned up to audition for Big Brother, the spirit of "I don’t care what people think of me, I just say what I think" lives on in Shipwrecked, Channel 4’s Sunday morning spectacular. The show that bought us such national treasures as Jeff Brazier (er) and Ben Lunt (double er) is in full swing and I’m officially obsessed. In a way that makes me hate myself a bit.

Let me explain. Like every other year, there’s two islands – the Tigers and the Sharks. And every week there’s a big palaver where the new arrival has to spend three days with each, then decide where they want to spend the rest of their adventure. Only this year there’s a twist. Oh there’s always a twist. And it happens every week. So less of a twist, more of a dragging it all out a bit.

One of them gets sent off to the Third Island, where they have no toilet roll or lamb’s tongue (thank the lord, it looks like a sea of blistered vomit). But they do have "Wilderness Expert" Nick. His role is skewering pigs, and looking a bit bemused / scathing when someone suggests a bit of sunbathing. He is Man. We might fancy him a lot.

The Shipwreckees divide neatly into two groups, the posh ones and the unposh ones. And of course they mix them all up like a human flesh milkshake.

So on team posh we have the likes of Char, who’s gorgeously moon-faced and super enthusiastic. She makes us want to do self-harm. And James, who’s like Hugh Grant having his first wank. Then there’s Faith and Lara. We’re not sure what they do other than talking about what an amazing journey they’re having. And the basically awful Tom, who’s spent the last week sulking because he doesn’t get to do topless wrestling with Danny anymore because they’re on different islands. Hello, a little bit homoerotic.

On the other side of the class ocean we have "characters" like Barrie (with an ie), a self-proclaimed trickster (the biggest trick we’ve seen is him managing to stay mute when sitting next to "absolute legend" Adam). Paul Daniels, fear not. Good weight loss skills though. Also in Sharks, possibly, is Keris, who cried because Danny built a room out of a couple of planks. And she cried about something else, but then we shut out eyes for a little bit. Danny at least is hot. Hot hot hot. In a "he’d try and get off with your mum when you weren’t lookin" way. Jack would also do, but his biggest moment so far has been refusing to wash. Cue naked Susan (the gobby Scouse one, who talks like she’s got a mouthful of baked beans) and Carly (who got her boobs out in Nuts last week) soaping him right up. Bore. But the biggest criminal of them all is Adam, the sort of man who pulls his friend’s trousers down or puts his penis between his legs because he’s nuts! The biggest disappointment is the fabulously named Diva. I wanted a Mariah-a-like who’d live up to her name, and demand her very own walk-in lingerie cupboard. Actually she’s quite nice and eager. Boo.

Oooof. I forgot the other group, The Pricks. Members? Well, all of the above, with chief "London Girl" Sarah at the helm. Last week she squinnied, "How dare anyone leave a banana skin by me. It just reminds that there was once two bananas in the world and I’ve only got one of them." That’s true altruism right there, that is. She keeps crying about being sent away from The Sharkies, despite the fact they all voted to get rid of her. Shit off back to Art School, yeah.

So why do I love it so? Despite the fact I’d rather be Shipwrecked with a frisky Jim Davidson than any of them, I watch every sodding episode of it. As well as Shipwrecked: The Third Island, Shipwrecked: The Hutcam Diaries, and those sodding Shipwrecked: The Fake Old Interviews, with Miquita. I’m not sure if it’s because it all looks so set-up that you can almost hear the director whisper "Can you just dump her again, but look a bit more wistful this time". Or that it’s the perfect excuse to indulge in some serious good old-fashioned bitterness that I’m not as skinny, pretty or young as them. Maybe it’s the total and utter predictability: "Right, we need to keep Big Bri on our island, let's lap dance him", repeat x35. Or the total American-ness: bring on the inappropriate full body hug and "I love you" after exactly four minute of knowing each other. Or maybe I’m just a massive old perv and like to spend Sunday mornings in bed having a look at shiny glossy six packs and flat tummies while mainlining scrambled eggs.

Shipwrecked is on Sundays, 11.50am, Channel 4