The "Thank You Our Lord God That Our Jen's Got a Boyfriend" award goes to...EVERYONE. Jennifer Aniston's going out with guitar-strumming bore John Mayer, whoop-whoop, and you can feel the collective shuddering magorgasm for megamiles – Heat doing a John v Brad hotness head-to-head, Grazia squealing "Jen & John: Destined To Be Together!" , Look wetting themselves over 152 pages and Now! screaming "Jen Pulls, At Last!" But enough of the "has Jen found the whole package?" terrorism: LET THE GIRL HAVE A SHAG OR TEN AND BE DONE WITH IT.

The "OK, Maybe It's Irresponsible, But Damn, It's Funny" Award goes to...MORE for an article called – brilliantly – Which Booze Makes You The Drunkest? (It's beer, apparently.) Cue chips on the way home, texts to exes and pictures of reporters with straws in their ears. This is why we love More.

The "This Year's Model Award" goes to...GRAZIA for flagging up new model Jourdan Dunn, the first black model in ages to grace the cover of Italian Vogue. "London's not a white city, so why should our catwalks be white?", she says, rather perfectly. But big, BIG wrist-slaps to Grazia though for overplaying the new Naomi Campbell tag, and ending the piece by saying "We wish her well, as long as she doesn't develop phone-throwing tendencies." Because, you know, black models are all the same right? Shame on you, ladies.

The Picture Of The Week Award Goes to...NOW. Heat came close with its bizarre picture of Trinny and Susanna in the buff surrounded by other clobber-shunners, but we love this pic of the glam Fern Britton – with a great new haircut – giving a big smacker to David Coulthard.

The New Word Award goes to...GRAZIA for inventing the term, er, "Luxafarian" to describe "glam dreadlocks".

The "We Never Expected That" Taste In Women Award goes to...HEAT for asking Mathew Horne, aka Gavin and Stacey's Gavin, which character from his show he would date. "Nessa, every time...she's so sexy and strong, and Ruth Jones, who plays her, is really fit." Our boy also likes "girls who look like little elves with bowl haircuts...like Bjork." Atta Gav.

The Nasty Fat Monitor Award goes to...CLOSER – surprise, surprise – for spinning a two-page think piece out of Charlotte Church putting on some pounds between March and April. Closer's obsession with girls' mental health affecting weight-gain begs us to ask another question: isn't being utterly obsessed with another person's diets week by week a bit mentally skewed too?

Most Informative Celebrity Article Of The Week Award goes to...HEAT for telling us about the latterday careers of such TV luminaries as Craig McLachlan (stand-up comedian), Grotbags (full-time carer) and Home And Away's Dieter Brummer (window cleaner). Fancy that!

And finally, the "Get Your Lens Away From My Snatch" Award goes to...HEAT for yet another picture of a lady's taxi-departing gusset, this time belonging to Eastenders' Lacey Turner. "Thank goodness for those tights, eh, Lacey?", goes the slightly creepy caption, as the world and its granny go eww.