The Lipster

Amazing Apprentice-related story of the week – Alan Sugar stands accused of using a booster seat in the show’s boardroom scenes. Flame-haired Jenny “Please. Will. You. Be. Quiet. PLEASE” Celerier – whose charmless bullying of beret-favouring Lucinda has no favours for women with titian locks – told Christian O’Connell that “I did notice when he got on to his chair he did do a sort of little jump to get on to it”.

According to mean old Jenny, Sir Alan - who stands at a not-so-towering 5'6” - apparently uses some sort of cushion, both to appear more terrifying than his actual height allows, and to create a sort of visual power pyramid, with Marvellous Margaret and Silver Fox Nick as the lower points of his power triangle.

Having worked for a few chaps who suffered from what we shall fondly refer to as ‘diminutosis’, this comes as little surprise. For it does seem as if a small (sorry) selection of fellows spend their entire life over-compensating for the height hand dealt them by Mother Nature. But fear not, pocket men! We at the Lipster are helpful sorts, and can offer a raft of clever tips for appearing taller than you might be:

* In meetings, be sure to BARK everything you say. This will not only help you appear thrusting and strong, it will also drown out the little ladies. You can then bring up their ideas five minutes later and claim them as your own.

* If you want to talk to someone at the office, always make sure they’re sitting down. If you like, you can place both hands on their desk and lean over a bit (this is also a good vantage point for a spot of casual office leering – and you can’t do that standing up, eh fellas!)

* Be sure to cram in as many references as possible to any or all of the following; Top Gear, Rugby/Twickers, how many women you ‘porked’ at the weekend, etc.