There comes a time in every celebrity mother’s life when she feels the need to tell her fans what life is really about. She does this in a couple of ways. Most popular is the via the expressive medium of the magazine interview, with deep and meaningful cover-line – “I Love My Children More Than Life Itself” (of course you do, that’s your job, you div – accompanying several pages of puff about her latest product, which she forced out in between quick-burst mother-child bonding sessions. And second, she writes a kids’ book.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand this impulse. When you spend much of your literary life reading out loud, trogging through The Gruffalo or the Thomas The Tank Engine series, yet again, then you become immersed in the particular rhythms and nuances of children’s stories. Actually, if I’m honest, what your mind does is start screaming THESE BOOKS ARE JUST NURSERY RHYMES! I COULD WRITE THIS RUBBISH MYSELF! AND MAKE MILLIONS!

And lo! Celebrity Mother did just that, and it was good. That is, if by “good” we mean “got a decent print run”. You wouldn’t believe how many there are out there. Tomes by Jamie Lee Curtis, Sarah “Hello Hull!” Ferguson, Whoopi Goldberg, Carly Simon, Bette Midler… and that’s not counting Celebrity Daddies such as Spike Lee, Jerry Seinfeld, John Travolta, Bill Cosby. Oh, and Prince Charles, who writes under the not-at-all-a-pseudonym of HRH The Prince of Wales.

Under such an avalanche of talent, it behoves us to consider a genre sample, no? So let’s check out work by Celebrity Mothers Madonna, Katie Price and Geri Halliwell. First up, Madge. Madonna’s English Roses series is very like their author. Meaning, the books can’t work out how old they are: the illustration-style and subject matter appear to be for teenagers, but the age-range says 9-12 years. The latest, Friends For Life, isn’t really a book at all, in the sense that it’s not a story. It’s a series of Q&As with the English Roses characters, all filled in as though they did it themselves. (Binah’s favourite ice cream flavour is butterscotch, fact fans.) The same questions appear at the end of the book, so the reader can fill them in. Fine, but at £7.99, I’d want a bit more plot, to be honest.

Katie Jordan Price also has a series, called Katie’s Perfect Ponies. Like Madonna’s efforts, the books feature five girl friends, all with distinctive characteristics – one’s clever, one’s sporty, one’s from an ethnic minority. There’s always a lot of stuff about hair with Katie: it’s either long and jet-black or dark and curly or or “a long dark plait that dangled down her back and ended just below her bottom”. (NB: Any girl with short hair is a bit dodgy.) Hair isn’t the only topic, however. The New Best Friend turns out to be about class: the established crew of pony-loving friends are disrupted by a brash newcomer, Lauren. Lauren has ambitions above her status and ends up being rejected by both the pony-lovers and their rivals, the snooty girls. Moral: stick to yer background, girls, don’t try and come over posh.

Finally, Geri Halliwell has recently published the first of many Ugenia Lavender books. Now I have a soft spot for Geri. There’s something about her relentlessly upbeat nature that makes me go, “Aw! Look at her! In her wee boots! Let’s keep her!” in the manner of Shrek when he meets Puss in Boots. And her first Ugenia Lavender attempt has all of the endearing Geri qualities: breathless enthusiasm, a desire to learn, positivity bordering on craziness. But it also has all her faults, too. Especially her knack of stating the bleeding obvious in an unintentionally hilarious fashion. Thus, the short thought at the end of every Ugenia tale, the best one being, without a doubt: “Perfection kills art – let go, and be a glass licker instead.” Only Geri could recommend window-licking as a lifestyle option. I bet JK Rowling is quaking in her boots.