How I love advertising. It is never more than two steps away from being utterly tedious. Sort of like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except thick. This, the downright backward new campaign from Wonderbra, promulgates the theory that a) all nicknames for breasts are inherently ho-ho-hilarious, and b) that every second girl wants to get her tits out, for free.

Let’s get the advert out of the way, which you can watch if you want to/have more free time than GCSEs. It is basically a montage with an amusing soundtrack of jaunty McFerrin-lite humming, while a series of images whizz past, all of which have something in common. They all represent comedy names for breasts. Did you get that? Then here is the ad, which we have just wrung through the VIDEO>TEXT machine-u-tron, especially for you.

BAPS PILLOWS PUPPIES JUGS TITS MELONS BANGERS KNOCKERS

Amazing. And here’s what they sign off with.

WILL YOU GET YOUR TITS OUT FOR FREE, PLEASE?

Um. No?

Now, let’s see what Wonderbra have to say on their hideously ill-judged website, which, if it is possible, is more patronizing than an 18th-century philanthropist. Warning: they are quite big on the word ‘girls’.

“Check your diaries girls, this is one opportunity you’re not going to want to miss.”

Great. My filofax is primed.

“We’re giving you the chance to make it BIG as one of our Wonderbra models. All you need to do is grab your girlfriends and head down to our open casting. It is absolutely free to take part.”

So not only do I get to get my tits out for free, but I won’t even have to pay you? Amazing.

“Excited?”

Sort of did a sick in my mouth, actually. But go on.

“We’re planning to create the biggest collection of boobs ever seen.”

That is a bit spooky, actually. ‘Create biggest collection of boobs ever seen’ is number 173 on my Things To Do Before I Die list. Or was that Buffalo Bill out of Silence of the Lambs' list? I forget. Are you inside my head, or something?

“Just like a professional modelling job, we’ve got a fantastic day lined up for you girls. While you chill out in our waiting area, you’ll be entertained by our DJ and given some top tips on all things boobs and bras.”

Ooh, ‘chill-out area’. For a second there, you had me thinking it was 2008. But clearly it is the early 90s, ie the last time chill-out areas were REMOTELY INTERESTING.

“We will also be producing a 2009 charity calendar. Don’t forget girls, this could be you.”

It could be me. It could be me. Garage mechanics all over Britain could be taking a mid-morning wank break and looking at me.

“Apart from all you gorgeous girls out there, we’re also hoping to attract some big names. We’re yet to confirm which celebrities will be taking part but as soon as we do we’ll let you know.”

Carol McGiffin, anyone? She is confirmed, by the way. And definitely ‘speaks to me’.

“As you girls know, we care a lot about your boobs.”

Um, that is a bit creepy actually. I’ll leave my boyfriend to ‘care about my boobs’. Can you not ‘care about my boobs’? Whoops, did a sick again.

And that, modernity fans, is The State of Advertising Today. Iris, the twits responsible for the campaign, say on their website that they have a “Pioneer spirit that you will not find in any other company in the world.” Which, should you look in the dictionary, is what is written under ‘overpromise’. But we will leave it to Shaun McIlrath, Executive Creative Director, to have the last word. “Advertising has undergone seismic changes,” he says, as another of his brain cells collapses with inanity, and slowly dies.