The Leave The Married Woman Alone Award goes to...NOW for screaming in pink and blue neon about "COLEEN'S BABY CRISIS!" The new Mrs Rooney now faces "an agonising choice", apparently, that choice being the one to made between "babies or career". Holy crap, is this 1846? Who writes this shit? Oh, I see from the end of the article: it's Chris White. Chris, love: TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT YOURSELF AND START WEEPING.

The Bizarre Redesign Award goes to...HEAT which has a new editor this week and – Good Lord – seems to have turned into Grazia in the process. There's tons more clothes, make-up tips and elegant fonts this week, plus a pull-out of totally naked gentlemen – including a picture of Danny from Shipwrecked holding a really big hose. Which means it's still Heat at heart, then, thank God.

The Wow, You've Surprised Us Award goes to...LOOK for a four-page special on fabulous female pop stars. And they're not Colgate-toothed bores either: they're Lipster favourites Santogold and Peggy Sue and the Pirates, plus Florence and the Machine and Petra Marklund. Petra's quote about what she did when meeting David Beckham is priceless too: " "I had maybe a little dribble coming out of my mouth but I tried to hide it".

And Best Political Article Of The Week goes to...LOOK aswell. What's happening, Look? We've come to rely on you for being mean and 'orrible. But seriously, THANK YOU, Look, for a fantastically refreshing, honest piece about two women growing up and living in Baghdad – one that has the gall to talk about the good times living under Saddam as well as the bad, and runs away from sensationalism as soon as it spots it.

The Greatest Woman Of The Week Award goes to...HEAT for keeping on the Margaret Mountford is Ace campaign (we know, we know, The Apprentice is, like, so OVAH, OMG, but we are still crying inside like pathetic apoths). The Marge-love comes from the mouth (of course) of Apprentice runner-up Claire Young, who lets rip about "an incident in Marrakech when someone was about to punch Alex or me, and Margaret sorted him out". A CBE her way, please.

The Headline Of The Week Award goes to...GRAZIA. The headline? "I Had The £800 Orgasm Jab!" Cripes. Said jab enlarges ones G-spot to the size of a 10p piece apparently. The catch is, well, the needle's got to go up your vadge. AgahghghhhIhavegonecelibate.

The Getting Away With A Feature On Sex And The City 10 Years After The Film Came Out Award goes to...GRAZIA for running a feature on Sex And The City 10 years after the film came out and getting away with it. How? By trying to provide answers to all those unanswered questions in the film. Such as: why does Jennifer Hudson's character go back to her rubbish boyfriend? Why is there hardly any sex? And why – PRAY WHY – does Charlotte's husband Harry get precisely three lines? It's so unfair! (Discuss.)

The Raunch Award goes to...MORE and not for their position of the week, nostalgia-lovers, which this issue involves doing the missionary position while a chap "rotates inside you". What, like a tumble dryer? Sod that: we're MUCH preferring the How To Have Sex With Clothes On feature, innit. Coyness (like, right) stops us from repeating all of their maxi-dress-without-pants wearing tips, but the phrase "Sit on penis, job's a good 'un" tells you where these girls are going.

The Ooh, Look At That! Award goes to...HEAT for its pictures of lady celebrities without their make-up on. And guess what? They all look nicer, especially the generally trowelled-on Fearne Cotton.

The Credit Crunch, What Credit Crunch Award goes to...HEAT and GRAZIA, the former to interviewee Peter Andre, who tells us that he bought his wife "Kate" a gold and diamond watch, a dressage horse and two trips to a private island for her birthday. Grazia tells us which "secret labels we need to know" which translates as "boutique labels you can't afford" 'cos you're eye-bleedingly skint and the gas bill's gone up 3,000 per cent. Scope, we're on our way.

And The Weirdest Frocks Ever Award goes to...GRAZIA for featuring some properly odd dresses that look like they've been sicked on by a baby chimp having a nervous breakdown watching The Magic Roundabout after a buckets of drugs washed down by a gallon of Vimto. So next time I drop a glass of wine and a plate of gravy down my front, I won't be a slobby Waynetta, my friend: I WILL BE ON-TREND.