Could you be Paris Hilton's NBF?
Despite all the hoo-hahing about reality telly being the Death Of All This Nation Holds Dear, I fancy it is something of a public service. After all, it has afforded we plebs with more opportunity for life landmarks – marriage, fame, the opportunity to have one’s bra prodded by posh gels – than any other televisual genre. Want to be a husband? Why, here is Jodie Marsh – belt-as-top-wearer in excelsis and all-round, fun-loving cove, to take you up the aisle. Want to be a chart-topping Aldi opera star? Go to the office of Mr Cowell, Headmaster of Pop. A career of shopping centre personal appearances is merely a high-waist away.
Fortunately, if neither of those options tickle your whistle, there is Paris Hilton, professional thick person and pocket dog collector extraordinaire. And you, dull, grey and amorphous plebeian, can be her NEW BEST FRIEND. And over on her new show’s site, there is very long list of questions which we must hurdle in order to be in with a chance. It is a sort of GCSE in shiny. So, do you think you are good enough to be Paris new BF? Really? Hmn, that is interesting, because you are not. But we are going to take the test anyway. Please show your working, and no calculators, that is cheating.
Q.1 Why do you think you would fit in with the socialite circle?
Gosh, this is rather hard, isn’t it, readers? How might little old me fit in with a team of rampantly fabulous and over-privileged LA wretches? Let’s come back to this one.
Q.2 Do you consider yourself fabulous? How so?
Fabulous – adjective: meaning amazing/excellent. Let’s see. Yesterday I bought a bottle of Finest white booze over a box of Ernest and Hoolio. Also, I am excellent at spelling.
Q.3 What similarities do you share with Paris? How are you different?
Um, similarities. Similarities, similarities, si-mil-a-ri-teeees. Oh yes, two things: Humanoid. Share planet. Differences: Live in overpriced bijou flatlet vs. outsize LA palace. Also, am not total cow.
Q.4 What activity would you most like to do with Paris if you were friends?
Crown Green Bowls (Kilmarnock rules), Clay Pigeon Shooting. Have to tell you though, sometimes my sight is waaaayy off. Nothing to worry about, promise.
Q.5 If you have a significant other, do you think being Paris' BFF would break you up?
You are quite right, because what match would my humdrum, fugly charms be to the behemoth of beauty that is Paris? It is what you Americans call a no-brainer. Paris has no brains, FYI. Though incidentally, if my man wanted to go out with Paris, I wouldn’t want to go out with him.
Q.6 Scenario: Paparazzi are hastling Paris and she's getting frustrated. What do you do?
Is that how you spell hassling? See, I told you I was good. Well, if Paris was getting all testy, and the paparazzi were being mean, I would say, "Stop, photographer person. Leave Paris alone. She is not a self-styled, professional thick person and has not made a name for herself merely for being photographed coming out of shops with bags that have dogs in them." Etc.
Q.7 Scenario: Paris has a new commercial she's shooting and has asked you to direct. Tell us what the commercial would look like.
INT. BEAUTY PARLOUR. DAY.
Paris Hilton is filming her new reality show and is having her nostril hairs buffed. But my, those nostril hairs look HOT. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a spaceship appears. Three wibbly aliens emerge and hover over to Paris in her recliner.
ALIEN 1
Is this planet earth?
PARIS
Hot.
ALIEN 2
Yeah, sorry love. The thing is HE (points at ALIEN 3) couldn’t read a fucking MAP if the planet of Alderaan depended on it. I told him to go left at Dathomir, but will he listen? Will he fuck.
ALIEN 3
I told you I’m not feeling very well. My hayfever’s playing up something terrible.
PARIS
Sexy.
ALIEN 1
Is she receiving? God, I heard Earth was getting a bit rubbish.
ALIEN 2
Poor humans. As Jesus was saying at the pub quiz, they know not what they do, eh?
FADE TO BLACK.
And that is the end of the test. Here are some people I would rather have as a BF than Paris:
Be Paris' NBF? No thanks.
Love the alternatives to being Paris' best friend. Clearly she can't make friends like everyone else does, so she needs all the help she can get, hence the questionnaire, which seems to be asking more for an assistant than a friend. Surely the question is, do you want her to be your friend?
I would just like to say
I heart Paris.
She may be spoiled and rich, but there's nothing she can do about that, she was born in to it. She's incredibly funny on The Simple Life. She always comes across as a pretty nice person in interviews. She must have some kind of brains to have remained famous for as long as she has by not doing very much at all. Her album was excellent.
There are many other things, but my main point is this:
Though everyone would like to think they're such a great person that they could never be anything ike her, can you honestly, honestly say that if you grew up in the environment she did that you would really be any different?
Paris < Hitler
Are you aware of Godwin's law?
Had a terrible day
today, but this has just made me laugh a lot - thank you Lipster!
NBF
I want Wendy Roby to be my NBF.
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