Firstly, an apology for the lateness of this week's mag report, brought about by your editor spending the last day wheezing in bed with an asthma pump (something that had nothing to do with her falling asleep on pictures of naked men in Heat, honest guv'nor). Apologies! But on with the show...

The Bored Now Award goes to...LOOK for the headline "Jen: I'm Getting Married!" Oh, for heaven's sake. Last week she was having a baby – except she was PLANNING to have a baby. Now she's getting married – oh not she's not, she's PLANNING to get married. But thanks to all these sweetie-pie headlines, it looks like our Jen's going to wiv happiwy evur aftur, or at least until next week when she's going to have a crisis or put on an ounce or remember about Brangelina or, OR...that's IT, Look. Your front page Jen generator is OFFICIALLY BORING US.

The Best Picture Of The Week goes to...HEAT for showing us Wendy Roby's NBF Paris Hilton having a fag before going to the gym. What a puff.

The Weird Twosomes Award goes to...LOOK for pointing out all the weird celebrity couples that everyone was hush-hush about "back in the day". Here's Eminem and Beyonce! Halle Berry and Danny from New Kids On The Block! Damon Albarn and Sporty Spice! But were they REALLY? We want proper detective evidence from a little man in a long mac, not some photoshopped together piccies, you rotters.

The Bad Medicine Award goes to...LOOK who, in their desperation to diagnose Amy Winehouse with something 'orrible (their print deadline being before she came out of hospital last weekend, presumably), gave her a brain tumour. A brain tumour? That's a BEEHIVE, you plonkers.

The Dodgy Makeover Award goes to...MORE for showing us how Jade Goody lost 10 inches in a week. Yup, that's A WEEK, and those glorious 7 days would involve 60 minutes of mad exercising, eating fuck all, and massaging yourself with expensive pots of slop. Not very healthy, not very sustainable, and come Sunday at midnight you'd be going, oops, I've just washed down the Rowntree Factory with a bottle of brandy.

The Best Fashion Spread Of The Week goes to...GRAZIA which alerts us to the glorious existence of the Campbell's Beef Noodle Soup frock, yours for the not-so-bargainous but ever-so-slightly peculiar price tag of £132.50. If we got, say, 20 soup cans, drunk the contents, and sort of gaffa taped them 'round our bloated bellies, that'd be only about £30, wouldn't it? Before we died in a soup coma, obviously.

The Headline Of The Week Award goes to...CLOSER, of course, for the classic "I'm Glad My Boyfriend Slept With My Sister – Now Our Romance Is Even Stronger". Not a conventional tactic there, dear, but best of luck with it.

The Food Tip Of The Week Award goes to...MORE for interviewing newly single chef Marco Pierre White, who recommends that his future wives chew on a lamb testicle. "They taste creamy", he adds, by way of explanation. We'll stick to the beef noodle soup frock, thanks (and we're washing our hair tonight too).

The Crap Modelling Award goes to...HEAT for showing us Alex from the Apprentice's first modelling sesh. Yes, they're taking the piss by getting him to do a ton of '70s catalogue poses (drinking cocktails by a dartboard, etc), yes he's complicit in the whole silly charade, but, Christ, he looks rubbish. Have a shave or grow a beard, son, make your bloody mind up. Oh, you're only 24, aren't you? Sorry, we forgot.

The Greatest Use Of A Grid And Some Arrows Award goes to...MORE for their Are Their Only Five Blokes In Hollywood feature, showing how many ladies have dated/snogged/brushed paws with Brad Pitt, John Mayer, Jared Leto, etc. Jiggle your car-keys, you pervs.

The Quote Of The Week Award goes to...MORE, for getting Alan Carr to say "David Beckham could play with my balls any day". Cheap, crass, rubbish and – oh, go on, then – quite funny.

And The New Trend Term Of The Week Award goes to...GRAZIA for coining a new hair fashion called "the frown". Which is, they explain, "so-called because it cleverly combines the words 'fringe' and 'grown-out', see?" Ah, we see. We'd rather call it a "gringe" though, because that cleverly combines the words 'fringe and grown-out' too. You see? Honestly.