Here’s what to watch and what to avoid in a week which features everything from nails-hard film directors to millionaire ex-page 3 stunnas being remarkably normal. And ooh look, it is raining. Can you hear the sound of editors cutting footage of mud-caked Glastonbury revellers to Travis-penned obviousness? No, editors. NO.

Criminal Justice Monday to Friday 9pm BBC ONE

This five-part thriller attempts to unravel the legal and prison systems after Our Man (the heavenly Ben Whishaw) has something of a bad night out and ends up in the slammer accused of murder. The cast includes Pete Pickle-my-Postlethwaite and Lindsay Duncan as a barrister with a ridiculous SIGNPOST of a name (Alison Slaughter, everyone. This is to help you understand she is ruthless and hard. Keep up, etc). Something of a commitment, but Ben Whishaw is actually the New Brando, despite reports that it was Kate Moss. He will always be Pingu off of Nathan Barley to me.

Imagine... Tuesday 10.35pm BBC ONE

Fact! I once worked for a top film producer and had to arrange a lunch date with Alan Yentob, on presenting duties here. I rang in February, and he wasn’t free till OCTOBER. This either means that Alan Yentob is a bit of a berk, or that my boss was not on his Fwend List. Either way, this is a study of renowned German film director Werner Herzog, who was once shot in the stomach while being interviewed by the quiff-rocking Mark Kermode. Herzog, nails-hard and a bit mental, just said "It was not asignificant bullet."

Katie and Peter: The Next Chapter Thursday 9pm ITV TWO

I am not sure what I think about Jordan. Because though she does have a tendency to pick celebrity catfights with giddy and wretched abandon, she clearly does have her normal, and dare I say it, nice, moments. And while it would be stretching the truthiness to label Andre as a revelation, he does emerge as a bit of a trooper here, teasing his wife and generally mucking about like a bit of a berk. But a nice berk. They seem to actually like each other, anyway, which is more than you can really claim of Vicky B and Day-vid.

Jess: My New Face Monday 9pm BBC THREE

BBC3’s Beauty Season has Jamelia investigate the origin of real hair extensions and Alesha Dixon doing something about airbrushing. But it’s this bit of programming – sans celebrity documentress – which deserves your viewing approval. Jess has Apert syndrome, which has disfigured her face, fused her fingers together and necessitated 20 operations including now, cosmetic surgery. This is a moving film which attempts to examine the importance we place on looks and which should at least stop you fretting over meaningless bow-locks like eyebrows.

Glastonbury 2008 – The Pigeon Detectives Sunday 7pm BBC THREE

What is worse than not being at Glastonbury and watching it on a crap telly which your parents bought in 1982? Not being at Glastonbury and watching it on a crap telly which your parents bought in 1982 with Zane Lowe presenting. And what is worse than not being at Glastonbury and watching it on a crap telly which your parents bought in 1982 with Zane Lowe presenting? Not being at Glastonbury and watching it on a crap telly which your parents bought in 1982 with Zane Lowe presenting and it being ABOUT THE PIGEON DETECTIVES.

Here they are.