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While everyone on the planet this weekend was either at Glastonbury/watching Dolly in the rainy city/having their aural functions re-arranged by MBV, Mr Pharrell Williams, cardigan man and unpleasant chair designer, was living it large with Essex’s finest.

According to The Sun, he deigned to grace the county's leading niterie – ‘Faces’ – the weekend home to Jade Goody, Alicia Douvall, Charlie Uchea, Nikki Grahame and Carli Pointliss*. We are duty bound to point out that we have not been to Faces, a club which has night called things like 'SCANDALOUS’ (wooooo) and whose website features a devil-may-care, texted-in-while-pissed attitude to silly things like spelling.

Let’s see if Faces can still convince us to go to Essex on Saturday.

They say it is for “Informed Clubbers to Party Animals who know their old form their new and who like a bit of both (musically that is!)”. But if you do not know your ‘old form’, you are not getting in.* NB Do not worry if you did not get that last bit about ‘both ways’. They will signpost use this joke later, as in “Funky Electro House with a bit of Old Skool thrown in for those who can have it both ways!!”. A-wooo-ha-harrrgh, etc.

Faces is very exclusive. You can tell this is the case because you can pay to sit in their VIP area, where there is a minimum spend of £350 per table. Lucky for you, burning 350 snickers at Faces is easy, because it costs £150 for a bottle of vodka. And lucky for Faces, there are still enough people in Britain willing to pay 15 times the price for things in order to sit behind a bit of rope and feel like it is all ‘happening’ for them, and NOT that their lives are an endless, spiritless, creatively vacant, morally questionable, everything that is wrong with this country, grey, might-as-well-end-it-all-now, empty and grey pit of despair.

Faces has a dress code, meaning you absolutely cannot enter its shiny walls if you wear non-‘smart’ trainaz or denims. In fact on Saturday, you cannot wear trainers or sportswear at all. This means you, black/poor people.

Faces has a ‘colourful’ history in the press. It is very good if you would like to watch ex-Big Brother contestants glass each other in the face/fall out of their tops/make their mums wish they had remembered to take the pill. Imagine the seventh circle of hell and you will be about half way to what Faces is like. The seventh one is the one with the river of boiling blood. Faces is like that and is in Essex.

And that, of all the brilliant places in this Fair Isle, is where Pharrell chose to spend Saturday.

*I made that one up.