100% BOB DYLAN FREE

Alesha Dixon, Welwyn Garden City’s very own Beyonce, master of Latin and now, gratifyingly, a proper shiny solo popstar, is blessed with the sort of charm it is not possible to manufacture, no matter how many Faustian pop pacts one enters into.

First off, a quick reminder of Alesha’s new single, Breathe Slow, what came out on Monday. It is this one, in which she looks quite spectacularly beau:

And now the ‘chat’. Or ‘shout’ in this instance, for it is worth pointing out at this juncture that we had the most rubbish phone line since the cursed gadgets were invented.

Hi Alesha, it’s lovely to talk to you.
And you!

Are you excited about your new single?
[Sound of very loud walkie-talkie-style noises in the background – FFSSHHT FRRSSCCHHT] HELLO?! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you, then.

Well, we just wanted to ask about your new single?
Right.

In particular the ‘Breathe slow and count to ten’ lyric. So, when was the last time someone did something really annoying, and you had to count to ten?
Mmm. Good question. God, I can’t even remember, it’s been such a while. Probably my cousin, because she never cleans the house. I’m never at the house and whenever I go home it’s always a mess. So I have to take a deep breath and let it go, and think ‘It’s only housework, it’s not important.’ [laughs]

I wondered if we could play a game of ‘Marry, Shag, Push Off A Cliff’?
[Line goes wonky] Pardon?

I WONDERED IF WE COULD PLAY A GAME OF ‘MARRY, SHAG, PUSH OFF A CLIFF’?
What site is this for?

It’s for The Lipster.
What’s that one?

We do 'indie' and 'dance' and 'pop'. Except funny.
Right. [Does not sound convinced, and who can blame her] Okaaay.

[Moving on] Your choices are Bruce Forsyth…
Right…

Anton du Berk…
[pause] Mmn-hm…

…and Bruno Tonioli.
I’d throw…I’d throw…erm…hold on…[line goes weird]….Anton du Beck, Bruno Tonioli and Bruce Forsyth?

[Shouting again] YES.
Hmmn. Ah, I wouldn’t shag any of them, but I would throw Bruno off a cliff and marry Bruce Forsyth.

And Anton?
I’d marry him as well. I wouldn’t shag any of them. Sorry. Not even for a game. [Massive, lovely Alesha laugh].

Right, we need to go back a bit, and talk about the NER*D record She Likes To Move?
Right...

One of the lyrics was ‘Her ass is a spaceship that I’d like to ride’. So Alesha, if your bottom was a spaceship, where would you go, and what would you bring the aliens as a present?
[Line goes dead, terrifying few seconds of silence]…..Erm…..[more silence, really quite scared now]…Ohhh, I can’t bear these questions, I never have answers for them.

[Nervous laughter] Oh no!
Oh god. Where would I go? I don’t know…Japan?

And what would you bring the aliens as a present? [EVERYONE: WE ARE NOT CALLING THE JAPANESE ALIENS, THAT IS JUST THE QUESTION.]
[Continued line freakery and panic-inducing silence] Ummmm…candy floss?

Lovely.
[Laughs]

[Feeling the need to explain, as we only have about 8 minutes left] Um, all of the questions are like this…
[Gamely] Well, I’m gathering that now.

Sue Elise, your fellow member of Miss-Teeq, has a stage school now. If you were a teacher, would you be the kind that stands at the front of the class going ‘I’M WAIT-ING’ or would you be a cool one, who slams in references to hipsterish things?
[Can’t hear us] To what, sorry?

[Shouting again] TO HIPSTERISH THINGS?
Um, I think I’d be a cool teacher, but I’d be very strict, as well.

And what would you teach?
[Now having to shout herself] SPORT. I used to want to be a SPORTS TEACHER.

Who is your favourite Dragon from Dragon’s Den, and what would you like to see invented?
[Line goes again] NEVER SEEN IT.

WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE MISSING A TRICK IN NOT HAVING AN ALESHA TOASTER….YOU KNOW, WHAT WITH YOUR EM-CEEING SKILLS.
OHHH, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD. THAT IS A GOOD ONE, I LIKE THAT.

HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO CRACK AN EGG, HESITATED, AND THOUGHT ‘I REALLY HOPE THERE ISN’T A LITTLE BIRD IN HERE’?
[Big laugh, after which the line appears to go back to normal. Don’t get your hopes up, though.] No, but I always hope there’s none of them like, black bits, that you get in an egg sometimes. [Laughs again]

Do you think there was some sort of Alesha-based mix-up on the last Bond theme?
[Line goes again. All is beginning to look rather doomed] ON THE WHAT? ON THE BOND THEME?

[At this point that it occurs to us that this interview is a bit like two people who cannot hear so good anymore trying to have a conversation. You know, Granny One: ‘What are you watching’ Granny Two: ‘POLTERGEIST THREE’ Granny One: ‘QUARTER PAST THREE! IS THAT THE TIME? I MUST BE GOING’. Etc.]

YES.
OF WHAT FILM, SORRY?

THE LAST ONE?
I DIDN’T SEE IT.

YOU DIDN’T HEAR THE BOND THEME?
[Line returns. The gods of telephony are toying with us.] Oh the Bond theme. Who sang that?

[Yup, there we go, line fizzes into nothingness again] THE OTHER ALICIA...WE THOUGHT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT INSTEAD…
Ahhhhhhh [non-audible noise of a penny dropping, but at least phone line is back] Ahhhhhh. Why?

Because you’re better than her.
[Firmly] No I’m not! [Laughs] Alicia Keys is an amazing artist!

Yes, but she’s not you.
And I’m not her. I cannot play piano like that.

Yes, but you do come across better.
Okay [laughs] You’re mad, by the way. [As if to self] I wish I was warned about this interview.

If your music was a pair of shoes, what kind of shoes would they be?
[Animated] You know the Gina shoes? The ones with all the stones all over them?

Oooo. What colour?
They’re like, blue and orange.

Good, that’s much more interesting than what we’re used to. Sometimes we have indie bands who describe battered and smelly cowboy boots. Which is not quite as exciting.
[Laughs.]

[Then we hear the chauffeur’s voice very loud, and lots of static….FZZZ SCHWEEER ‘SOWWY MAYTE, MOY SAT-NAV’S GONE A-WOWL’ SCHWEER FZZZ]

What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?
[Line goes again. To be honest, we would have put the phone down on us by now] Sorry babe, the phone just cut out there, say that again?

WHAT WOULD BE YOUR SPECIALIST SUBJECT ON MASTERMIND?
Ermmm. [Weird knocking sound. Perhaps it is Alesha - not without good reason - banging her head against the car window.] Hmmmm…specialist subject? Politics.

Who in particular?
Obama!

And did you watch the inauguration?
Yes. I thought it was very moving. Very, very moving, it was very emotional. It was a great day.

Are you going to be going over to American to promote the record?
That would be my dream and my plan, if the opportunity comes. But this year, we’re just going to be in and out of Europe. I think we just want to establish ourselves there first. Because it’s hard to stretch yourself all over the place…you’ve got to take it one territory at a time. [More from the driver about the Sat Nav.] Sorry, babe, the phone keeps cutting out. [FSSHHHTT FXXXX – something about the Sat Nav - FFFFSSSSHHHHHT] Yeah, Yeah. [Alesha to unidentified personage] That phone keeps cutting out? Hello?.... HELLO? [Valiant PR ladyperson comes on the line] Hi. Does it keep cutting out?

Yes.
[Valiant PR ladyperson] Oh right. Okay. Well are you nearly finished?

I think so, yes.
[Valiant PR ladyperson] Well, I’ll just pass you back.

Cheers, thanks

[FSCHHHT – driver needs a new Sat Nav, everyone needs a new phone - FSSCHHHT]
Alesha: Sorry, hon. The phone keeps cutting out.

Don’t worry. Good luck with everything and thanks very much for talking to us.
Thank you, Darling. I’m sorry about this phone cutting off.

Oh, don’t worry.
[Cheerily sympathetic] Oh dear! [Big laugh] Bye, hon.

Bye!
Bye

And that was the end of that. Although we must say, toppermost marks to Alesha because frankly we would have been very tempted to chuck the phone in the nearest bin and gone and bought some Gina shoes to cheer ourselves up.

Alesha on the internets