PLUMBING THE SHALLOWS OF NEW MUSIC

This Monday saw the release of Jay Sean's Tonight, an upbeat R&B 'jam' in which he appears keen to assure a lady that, whatever she may do, she is going to get 'it'. Tonight.

Jay had a few hits a couple of years back, but now he has signed to CashMoney Records he's a touch more polished and MTV-friendly. Tonight owes more than a little to fellow R&B gennelman Ne-Yo, but the lyrics are somewhat more carnally inclined than young Mr. Yo's, as you shall hear if you experience the video:

Look at him there, the only fella amongst a phalanx of fillies.

Of course, it is not easy to approach a lady, bold as brass, and tell her that she is going to get 'it'. I had always assumed the giving and taking of 'it' to be a two-way deal, but Jay's approach suggests the lady has little choice in the matter. This is an enormously liberating concept for the modern man. Imagine! Imagine going up to a lady and being all like, 'Hello, it's time for you to get it. Come on, let's go. No, you don't have time to collect your coat and brolly, you're about to get it. Do stop dilly-dallying.'

In any event, I decided to investigate whether Jay Sean's tactics - and more importantly his lyrics - would work out there in the real world. I approached ladies in various settings and scenarios to give Tonight's lyrics the best chance of success.

Scenario #1: THE NIGHTCLUB

The local nightclub seemed the ideal place to begin the experiment, as it would be full of ladies familiar with modern music and therefore susceptible to Jay Sean-style urban poetry. Unfortunately the music was extremely loud, which presented a problem vis-a-vis oral communication. Undaunted, I hit the dance floor.

"Hello," I shouted over the beat into the ear of a nearby temptress, as I prepared to release one of Jay's most bewitching mouth-bombs. She seemed not to hear me, so I tried again:

"HELLO," I bellowed into her face. "LET ME KISS YOUR NECK DOWN TO YOUR THIGHS."

She laughed and motioned that she was unable to hear me. Frustrated, I tried again. "LET ME KISS YOUR NECK DOWN TO YOUR THIGHS," I screamed, this time prodding her in the relevant parts of her anatomy to ensure she understood.

Alas, it soon became clear this was not the ideal setting for using Jay Sean's lyrics, so I took my leave. I came away with few conclusions, other than that even the smoothest, most expensive vodka will sting should it find its way into your eyes.

Scenario #2: THE COOKERY CLASS

I decided to change tack, and take my focus away from the local nightlife. Perhaps an evening class would be a more relaxed way to launch my arsenal of Jay Sean lyrics. So I signed up for an evening cooking course.

In my first class, I was teamed up with a delightful young woman, but I decided not to break out the beguiling lyrical gold straight away. As we cleaned and chopped vegetables, we chatted. Indeed, we got on so well, I almost forgot my real purpose for being there. It was shortly after the revelation that we both liked coffee that I decided to go for it. Breaking off from chopping some carrots, I suddenly turned to her:

"I can tell that you're wanting me, and shorty, I feel the same. So you ain't going nowhere," ventured I.

In retrospect, I should probably have put down the knife before I broached the subject of her getting it. A sizeable blade, an abrupt movement, what could be construed as a borderline threat to imprison her... it didn't look good. And I suppose that's why someone set off the fire alarm and called the police.

Scenario #3: THE BOOK GROUP

A night in the cells gave me plenty of time to think over where I wanted to try next. In the end, I decided to go along to a local book club, my thinking being that they're always full of women who - crucially - appreciate the power of poetry.

Being new, they went easy on me when it became apparent I had neither read nor heard of their chosen tome. Unfortunately there were a couple of men there as well, which threw me off a bit; but I resolved not to be intimidated by any attempt to outdo my alpha-ness.

Having nodded along with their analyses for a good five minutes or so, I decided to play my trump card. Interjecting as they discussed a potent instance of imagery, I fixed one of the women with my most alluring glare:

"You're gonna get it tonight," I whispered.

She was sat across the room, so I had to whisper quite loudly. This perhaps transformed my delivery from that of a seductive murmur into something of a menacing hiss, which would explain the sudden silence that enveloped the room. I had to rescue the situation.

"Cos you got my mouth watering. Your body's what I crave. Yeah. And I won't stop till you let me in and I hear you scream my name," I offered. "I ain't going nowhere."

I didn't want to have to deal with the police twice in a week, so despite that final statement of resolve, I did in fact leave shortly afterwards. I would have been disappointed, had I not acquired a split lip and a black eye. This distracted me somewhat.

Scenario #4: THE BUS STOP

On my way home from the book club I popped into an off-licence for a bottle of spirits, in an attempt to numb myself from the throbbing in my face. The physical and emotional pain in which I found myself led to me knocking back more than I should have, I suppose. Spotting a bus-stop and seeing a lady standing there in the darkness proved all too tempting, so I weaved my way across the road to try my luck. I wasn't in the best shape, it's true.

"Did you think I was letting your body outta my sight?" I enquired, as my woozy forward momentum carried me face-first into the bus shelter ad hoarding, smearing it with blood. "Girl you're about to get it tonight," I exclaimed as I slid to the floor, spilling scotch on myself.

I don't recall her response, but I woke up alone, which tells its own story. And that was my final attempt to use Jay Sean's lyrics in a romantic setting. Jay's bon mots didn't work for me, but that's not to say they won't work for someone else - everyone has their own style when it comes to luring a mate. Moreover, I'm sure the correct lyrics are out there, just waiting for me to apply them to the fairer sex. Whose shall I try next? Cardinal Offishall? Morrissey? Akon? Yes, Akon. 'Smack That,' surely, cannot fail.

Jay Sean on the internets

Readers, if you have any success using Jay Sean's lyrics to get you some "it", please do let us know. In the meantime, you should hop over to one of these fine internet portals to read more of Stuart in his various, webular guises.

If you have not already read Stuart's killingly good piece about Tinchy Stryder and his mislaid woman, you should go here
And Stewpot's website is here. Warning: do not call him Stewpot, he do not like it.
And his blog, My Chemical Toilet, is here.
AND AND AND he wrote an inordinately larksome featurette For The Womens, what is about how to remain attractive when you are crying, and that is here.